For Kicks and Giggles...

Most people go to work, to work. My sister aka "Yo' Sista" goes to work just to send me jokes!

Here are a couple of them-enjoy:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factoryfloor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles (testicles)!

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Spelling to get into Heaven...
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."




When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.




While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancunand I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."



Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... . there'll be Hell to pay later.

   One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can
do
anything you want.'  So he tied her up and went golfing.
                                          
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   A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway,
and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of
her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just leave.
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always
right, and the other is a husband.
*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The
optician
showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.''Can you read this?' the
optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent.'  'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired
of chardonay.
 ********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her
husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he
said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too
many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you
CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The
wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I
just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.
***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain
man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the
Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all
his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day,
the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman
for 51 years.
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Remember- no matter how bad you think your problems are,
someone is ALWAYS worse off than you!

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